Joy

you can listen to the poem on the link below-
https://www.dropbox.com/s/k8g5qm5c7k7ki6q/Joy2.wav?dl=0

         
"Joy" such a small and sweet name
I must have learnt about her in kindergarten perhaps
I was so excited to meet her
But I never did
She didn't want to be a friend for some reason

Joy remained elusive
Not that I didn't seek her
I was too shy to make friends
Too weak and afraid to play sports
So I had to try something else to attract her

Joy may like academic success, I thought
She would be friends with a "good girl"
So I kept my head down
I buried myself alive in books
and studied my ass off

But "knowledge" was a concept I didn't understand then
The purpose of studying -
was retaining a bunch of statements,
which I blindly believed as facts,
without reasoning or understanding them and vomiting them out in the exams
 to seek that coveted rank


But I didn't want to study all the time
contrary to what people thought
What started as a quest for befriending Joy  was turned into something else
What drove me was not Joy
It was "Fear"
Always Fear
Fear was that pesky kid no one wanted to be friends with
Loser attracts loser
It stuck to me like Fevicol ka majboot jod
It whispered to me that he wouldn't let me retain anything I read
and true to his words
he kept pushing stuff out
Everything used to slip out of my head like water from a leaking tap
I used to read, reread, repeat this on a loop
I don't know if it was or is a brain defect or just plain old Fear
He has been in love with me for too long
Clinging to my neck, jumping on my shoulders
He kicks my heart making it beat faster
Pees all over me making me look like a drenched cat
He has me tied in strings
which he pulls at will
making my limbs shake
 as if in perpetual motion
He whispers and whispers
"They all hate you"
"You are dumb"
"You are such a loser"
"Oh don't even try that"
"You will fail"
"You will always fail"

So the face book- whispering maniac- leaky brain- face book again cycle continued and a lot of times I got the "coveted rank"
But good old friend that Fear is he always had a sound logic for that,
"It was a fluke
You still are a loser
You would never be like your sister
Yes everyone loves her more
Psssttt your parents too
No one loves you, you dumb fuck
Joy will never accept your friend request"

Down in the deep darkness one day,
When everything had stopped making sense
I heard singing
The notes came from faraway
As if travelling through a tunnel
Joy had accepted my friend request!

Fear quaked with fear
Ohh man that was such a high!
To see that son of a bitch been frightened
He never left but I got closer to Joy
She told me she had always been my friend but I didn't recognize her without makeup
In your head she said, "you viewed me as a pin-up poster girl and yearned for me."

I started seeing the real face of Joy then
 She is with me at the crack of dawn just before fear stirs awake and starts his blabbering
But Joy keeps butting in, "I am gonna prove my friendship" she says
She is with me while licking a mango candy on a hot summer day,
while burying inside my blanket fort on long winter nights,
while dancing like a maniac in the rains,
while singing like a frog under the shower.

She smiles proudly at me looking at the clean home,
the empty laundry bag and
when I make my smashing chicken curry.
She also giggles with me seeing
the messy drawers,
the rainfall of clothes on opening the wardrobe and
the not so great attempts at baking

She holds my hand as I explore new places
She helps me gag Fear when I meet new people
She claps in glee when the curls behave

When I feel unloved she reminds me,
of worried phone calls from mamma when I don't call for two days,
of baba prompting her from behind,
of aji asking me to find the perfectly matching blouse to her saree,
of kaki's fish curry and kaka's chana chatpata,
of my niece demanding me to get her a pink frock,
of my other niece pulling at my hair and giving a naughty smile,
of the stupid arguments I have with my siblings,
of the names we call each other,
of old neighbors and new,
of the silly memes and forwards from friends,
of the nonsensical talks with them.

She hits me hard on the head when I feel lonely
"You have Adi", she says glaring at me
She reminds me,
of his protective kisses on my forehead
of the shared cup of coffee in our little balcony garden
of his antics and laughs
of his salty omelettes
the broken dishes
the folded bedding
the cuddling and spooning
"Ahhh I can go on and on", she says dreamily

Fear burns in jealousy
 when I spend time with Joy
He shouts with all his might and makes my system hang
As I sink deeper and deeper in those dark days, Joy tries her best to pull me out
She reminds me to breathe
She reminds me of the times we together kicked Fear's ass,
of the days when I managed to have a daily bath
and force enough food for sustenance
when all I really wanted to do is stop breathing,
of the days the bed held me as a hostage but I managed to keep my plants alive,
of the times I could pick up a call even when the ringing phone scared the daylights out of me,
of the photos clicked despite Fear shaking my hands,
of the clumsily written poems overcoming the noise of not being good enough,
She reminds me of all the baby steps I had taken and could take again..

I met Joy or rather recognized her only when I was at my lowest,
when I was forced to stop running and breathe.
I know her now
I can recognize her in any of her costumes
I can recognize her even without makeup
She helps me stay alive
She helps me breathe
She whispers in my ear
"I am You"