Naatigoti

I have been having a tough time maintaining relationships in the past few years. One of the main reasons is clinical depression and anxiety which makes me a monster time to time.

This post is not for anyone in particular. (but yes, it is mainly for a bunch of friends  I was really close to, who have been there for me for a lot of years and now there are valleys between us, one of them is permanently moving to another continent altogether. I just wish things were better between us)

I know I have offended a few close friends and even family (knowing me I may continue to do so). This is a lame attempt to do something about it. I am not trying to give gyaan or provide excuses for my behavior but I felt a need to put my side in words.

What is a healthy relationship?

Be it as a friend, as a parent, as a sibling, as an in-law, as spouses

To me it is absence of fear

The ability to say and do with them what I honestly think

Rather than going over and over in my head what to say and what not to say

The worst thing according to me one can do to any relationship is putting up a mask

A mask of love or respect or care

A relationship worth maintaining is the one which is beyond these masks

Where I can call you any time without looking at the watch

Where I can share my deepest darkest secrets with you, even how I really want to kill a man, well maybe more than one! Where you would obviously look for signs of a psychotic person and try to prevent any murders but at the same time join me in showering the worst of pejoratives you know.

Where I can honestly tell you that you suck at what you do, and you can tell me to shove my opinion up my ass.

Where we can argue back and forth on anything and everything under the sun and yet not forget that we are only arguing on some stuff and not us.

Where I wouldn’t think twice about cribbing even if it is something not worth cribbing about, or about boasting about the stupidest of things,

Where I can tell you on your face how jealous I am about you and you would know that’s just my insecurities speaking and that it’s my twisted way of saying how proud I am of you.

Where you know whatever happens I would always wish you well, even when I have lost my temper and not speaking to you for months, even when in my immaturity I have blocked you on social media.

Where you can tell me your deepest fears and trust me not to utter them to anyone else

Where you would see beyond the needy, sobbing person I get reduced to at times and still treat me the same

Where you would understand that when I cancel plans, not meet or call for days it is because I am busy fighting my own demons. But that doesn’t mean I am not there for you

Where you would come to me and berate me on my face for what an ass hole I have been for a long time rather than whispering bitter things about me behind my back.

Forgiveness is the key they say, but let’s not wait for someone to apologize and someone to forgive.

कोळी आणि कला

कोळी आणि कला

कोळिष्टकं पाहिलीत का ओ कधी? जवळून?

किती कलात्मक दिसतात नाही?

रेषेत रेष, षट्कोनात षट्कोन

रेशमी दोर एकात एक इतके सुबक विणलेले की एखाद्या मोरपिशी पैठणीलाही लाजवतील

निरागस दवबिंदू जेव्हा त्या जाळीत अडकतात जणू निसर्गाचा राणी हारचं तयार होतो

जरा मान तिरकी करून पहा एखाद्या नक्षत्राचा भास होतो

स्थापत्य त्याचं इतकं मोहक की एकटक पाहिलत तर मोहनिद्रा निश्चितच!

किती कलात्मक दिसतात नाही कोळिष्टकं?

एका छोट्याश्या कोपऱ्यापासून सुरुवात होऊन वाढत जातं ते

एकात एक अनेक रेशमी दोर, रेषेत रेष, षट्कोनात षट्कोन

 आणि मग फसतं एखादं केविलवाणं पाखरू

तडफडतं त्या जाळीत, त्या सुंदर कलात्मक जाळीत

कारण हे सौंदर्य नसून केवळ सौंदर्याचा भास असतो, एक मोहजाल

पहारा देत असतो तो कोळी, कला आणि सौंदेर्येचे सोंग घेऊन बसला असतो तो भक्षक वाट पाहत.

तडफडणाऱ्या पाखराची मज्जा घेत क्रूरतेने कूच करतो त्याच्याकडे आणि मिटक्या मारत खाऊन टाकतो त्याला.

किती कलात्मक दिसतात नाही कोळिष्टकं?!?

रेषेत रेष, षट्कोनात षट्कोन

एखाद्या, जुन्याश्या वाड्यात वाटतील हो ती कोळिष्टकं कलात्मक,

त्या मागची हिंसक प्रवृत्ती विसरून, निसर्गाची किमया वगैरे बोलू आपण त्यांना बरचं काही

पण आपल्या २bhk च्या चकचकीत पांढऱ्या भिंतींच्या कोपऱ्यात वाटतात का तुम्हाला ती कोळिष्टकं कलात्मक?

एका झाडूच्या फटक्यात पुसली जाते सर्व कला, व्हॅक्युम क्लिनर तर गिळूनच टाकतो षट्कोनातले षट्कोन

विजयाचं समाधान, न्याय केला ना आपण? वाचवलं त्या केविलवाण्या पाखराला

पण मनातल्या कोळिष्टकांचे काय बरे करावे?

स्वतःला कसे बरे वाचवावे?

नाकातून कानातून जाईल का हो व्हॅक्युम क्लिनरची तोटी?

काय ते MRI, CT SCAN; त्यांने नाही का कळणार ह्या कलात्मक कोळिष्टकांचे एक्झॅक्ट लोकेशन?

अंधार आहे ओ खूप जणू एखादा धुळकट जुना वाडा

मेंदूभर कोळी फिरत आहेत

बांधत आहेत कोळिष्टकं सर्वत्र

एका छोट्याश्या कोपऱ्यापासून सुरुवात होऊन वाढत गेली त्यांची कलात्मकता

विचारांचे रेशमी दोर, रेषेत रेष षट्कोनात षट्कोन

फसलंय एक केविलवाणं पाखरू तडफडतय त्या कलात्मक जाळीत

मोहजाल- असं कर मग पैसा मिळेल, असं कर मग नाव मिळेल, असं कर मग दर्जा मिळेल, असं कर मग मागे टाकशील सर्वांना, असं कर मग प्रेम मिळेल, असं कर मग समाधान मिळेल,

असं कर, असं कर, असं कर....

कोळीचं कोळी, दोर रेशमी दोर, मायाजाल, तडफड, पाखरू, येतोय तो, त्याच्या आठ डोळ्याने पाहतोय माझ्याकडे, लाळ टपकवत, नाही झाली तडफड सहन, फिनाईल ची बाटली लावली तोंडाला, प्यायले घटाघटा जणू विष नसून सोमरसचं आहे, फार आठवत नाही त्या नंतरचं,

तोंडातून घुसवलेली तोटी, जळणारा घसा, गुदमरलेला श्वास, वेगळीच तडफड – जगण्याची!

 मरणाच्या दारात उभं असे पर्यंत समजलचं नाही की जगावंसं पण वाटतं आपल्याला कुठेतरी

फिनाईल बहुदा भेसळयुक्त निघालं,

पाखरू आपलं जिवंतच राहिलं, पण तीच कोळिष्टकं, तेच मोहजाल, तोच अंधार , तीच तडफड, सर्व तसंच, बरोबरीने होता तो फक्त एक शोध एका झाडूचा जी मिटवेल त्या कोळिष्टकांना

काही वर्ष गेली, एकदा अंधारात चाचपडताना कविता सापडली ... जोश्यांची नाही हो;

 आपली सर्वांची कविता

दिमाग कि बत्ती जली झाडूच कि हो ही फिरवली आडवी उभी जेवढे कोळी तेवढ्या कविता

कलात्मकता versus कलात्मकता

पाखरू जरा मोकळं झालं श्वास पुन्हा घेऊ लागलं

पण कोळीच ते येत राहिले पुन्हा

रेषेत रेष षट्कोनात षट्कोन

पाखरू आपलं हातपाय मारतय

अंधारात वहीतल्या कवितेने हाक मारली

म्हणाली, “माझं झाडूतुन व्हॅक्युम क्लिनर मध्ये अपग्रेडेशन करायचं असेल तर जरा बाहेर काढ

ना मला….मी तुझ्या कंठातून तुझ्या श्वासाबरोबर जेव्हा बाहेर पडेन,

मोकळी होऊन चार लोकात जेव्हा मी वावरेन, तुझ्याही केविलवाण्या पंखांना येईल थोडे बळ!

सुटशील त्या षट्कोनातून, थांबेल तुझी तडफड, आणि एकत्र मिळून खात्मा करू आपण त्या कोळ्यांचा”

कलात्मकता versus अपग्रेडेड कलात्मकता

सुटतंय पाखरू हळूहळू जाळ्यातून ......

शोधा तुम्ही पण तुमची झाडू करा तिला सुद्धा व्हॅक्युम क्लिनर मध्ये अपग्रेड     ...

An Ode to My Spectacular Baby

You my dear are like a part of me, it is only because of you that

I get the strength to see this marvelous world in all its beauty.

It is only because of you that I can appreciate the dewdrops on the leaves,

The small rainbows each one of them holds as the first rays of the sun fall on them,

It is only because of you that I can appreciate the shades of the sky, the shapes of the clouds, the verdant fields, the vibrant flowers.

It is only because of you that I can read people, know what really lies behind the words that escape from their mouths. I can read the eye twitching, the nostrils flaring, the slight up tilt of their lips, the fingers drumming, the legs bobbing…

You help me know the real from the fake, sieve out the people who truly reflect rainbows like the dewdrops on the leaves.

  You my dear are like a part of me, it is only because of you that

I get the strength to see this marvelous world in all its beauty.

I bathe you five times a day in clear, cold water just the way you like it.

I use only the softest of cloth to dry you in slow, soft motion.

A single scratch, my dear on your perfect body is like a scratch on my heart.

When anyone touches you with their unclean, greasy fingers

 my vision gets blurred with emotions.

I keep you safe, perennially close to me at all times.

At bedtime, I see to it that you are tucked in, in your special room

 under your soft, warm blanket.

  You my dear are like a part of me, it is only because of you that

I get the strength to see this marvelous world in all its beauty.

I started caring for your eldest brother, when I myself felt like a child. He taught me to be a mother, a grown up, a dependable person. I have had five of you wonderful siblings and I have loved each one of you immensely. Each one of you has been to me like a precious piece of jewelry, I guard you ferociously like a lioness guards her cubs.

You guard me too you know, by shielding from the world the emotions which keep flashing in my eyes. I can hide my true self behind you, I can hide the dark circles of my life behind your love.

They ask me how can I love someone who leaves marks on me, who needs so much care and guarding. I just smile and tell them that,

  You my dear are like a part of me, it is only because of you that

I get the strength to see this marvelous world in all its beauty.

As I sip on a hot cup of chai today, on this rainy morning, with each blow in the cup before every sip, you put up a private rain show just for my eyes. You show me fog and then rain drops even though it hurts you.

You help me focus when life is a blur,

You put clarity in my bleary life,

You make my world vibrant

You truly make my life spectacular.

  You my dear spectacles are like a part of me, it is only because of you that

I get the strength to see this marvelous world in all its beauty.

Sneha Karle 1^st September 2017