Naatigoti

I have been having a tough time maintaining relationships in the past few years. One of the main reasons is clinical depression and anxiety which makes me a monster time to time.

This post is not for anyone in particular. (but yes, it is mainly for a bunch of friends  I was really close to, who have been there for me for a lot of years and now there are valleys between us, one of them is permanently moving to another continent altogether. I just wish things were better between us)

I know I have offended a few close friends and even family (knowing me I may continue to do so). This is a lame attempt to do something about it. I am not trying to give gyaan or provide excuses for my behavior but I felt a need to put my side in words.

What is a healthy relationship?

Be it as a friend, as a parent, as a sibling, as an in-law, as spouses

To me it is absence of fear

The ability to say and do with them what I honestly think

Rather than going over and over in my head what to say and what not to say

The worst thing according to me one can do to any relationship is putting up a mask

A mask of love or respect or care

A relationship worth maintaining is the one which is beyond these masks

Where I can call you any time without looking at the watch

Where I can share my deepest darkest secrets with you, even how I really want to kill a man, well maybe more than one! Where you would obviously look for signs of a psychotic person and try to prevent any murders but at the same time join me in showering the worst of pejoratives you know.

Where I can honestly tell you that you suck at what you do, and you can tell me to shove my opinion up my ass.

Where we can argue back and forth on anything and everything under the sun and yet not forget that we are only arguing on some stuff and not us.

Where I wouldn’t think twice about cribbing even if it is something not worth cribbing about, or about boasting about the stupidest of things,

Where I can tell you on your face how jealous I am about you and you would know that’s just my insecurities speaking and that it’s my twisted way of saying how proud I am of you.

Where you know whatever happens I would always wish you well, even when I have lost my temper and not speaking to you for months, even when in my immaturity I have blocked you on social media.

Where you can tell me your deepest fears and trust me not to utter them to anyone else

Where you would see beyond the needy, sobbing person I get reduced to at times and still treat me the same

Where you would understand that when I cancel plans, not meet or call for days it is because I am busy fighting my own demons. But that doesn’t mean I am not there for you

Where you would come to me and berate me on my face for what an ass hole I have been for a long time rather than whispering bitter things about me behind my back.

Forgiveness is the key they say, but let’s not wait for someone to apologize and someone to forgive.