WHAAAZZUUUPPP

WHAAAZZUUPP…

As I was playing with my niece the other day, she suddenly started making weird faces and getting finicky in general. That’s when my mom said, “Whatsapp alay ka paha?” (check if there is a new message on watsapp). I looked perplexed from my darling niece to my darling mom hoping she hasn’t lost her marbles. Later I was explained it was code lingo which meant her diaper needed to be checked!

It got me thinking as to when my mother who hated cell phones and cribbed about our ‘sms generation’ had so swiftly not only jumped onto the instant chat messaging bandwagon but also started using its lingo in everyday life. Such is the craze of the instant messaging app that rarely do we get to see anyone’s front face profile nowadays, it’s always heads down, thumbs working away to glory; be it on the roads, on the toilet seat, in the train’s door, while dining out with friends, at weddings, at funerals, you name it!

Once I got a watsapp message from my younger brother, “Ask mamma if dinner is ready?” He was lazing around in the room next to me! I replied with the punch icon followed by going in his room and delivering some actual punches (nothing can replace the gratification of actual physical violence!)

Instant messaging and chatting has quite obviously eased our lives, but what effect has it had on human relationships? Off course the biggest argument in its favor is; it is so much more easier to be in touch, its free (as of now), less time consuming than calling and one can reply at one’s ease. But is it really so? What actually happens is as soon as we message someone, we glare at the top of the screen, when was our friend last seen, is she online now, and then why is she not replying if she is online, is she ignoring me, was my message stupid, am I so needy, to the extremes of oh she is a bitch, how dare she not reply, what does she think of herself! Hell hath no fury as a woman’s message been not replied and if the person across is her poor husband well he can start counting his last days on earth. There are always some characters who would keep messaging till you don’t reply. Even if you are opened up for a lifesaving surgery you have to reply to this character! (a short break is taken by the author to check replies to her messages)

Then there are the ‘groups’, one has on an average 8 such groups- the school friends group, the graduation college friends group, the post graduation college friends group, subgroups of these groups to bitch about others in the main group, the family group, the sasural family group, about 4 to 5 cousins groups (+the subgroups for bitching), the office group, the office group without the boss, the office group without the person whom you currently want to bitch about, the separate only girls and only boys groups to share the below the belt messages, the building group (yes you guessed it right + subgroup for bitching), the train group, the supermarket group the list goes on…

In every group, there are two to three characters who think their day will be filled with venomous snakes and salivating wolves if they don’t wish ‘good morning’ first thing in the day. Then everyone else has to reply cos if you don’t it seems rude. So you have about 15 ‘good morning’ messages with sun smilies. The same pattern is repeated before sleeping cos if you don’t say ‘good night’ on each of your ten groups the sun may reappear again and there won’t be any night! Then there are those characters who have to forward every new message in the market, including the never ending ones, it is like their moral responsibility as the app’s user to do so or else they may be struck by lightning! (a short break is taken by the author to forward messages from one group to the others). Talking of been struck by lightning, there is an icon for that too and there are a set of characters in every group who will remind you of each and every icon the app has to offer as they are the mimes of the group- can’t use words, only expressions through their string of icons.

Then there are the silent readers who will read everything meticulously but have thumb paralysis so can never reply even if their life depends on it. Au contraire, are the enthusiasts who have to jump onto every bit of conversation even if it is not concerning them. Then there are the ‘bhaad mein gayi duniya’ characters who would have detailed personal chats on the group not bothering about the other pissed off souls who have to endure them. The most annoying are the hypocrites who would keep on saying “how ridiculous it is that people share everything and talk about their achievements and even love for each other” and then they go on to do the same thing!! This entire mix of crazy characters is made even more crazier by the new function by which one can check who has read one’s message, leading to complicated ego clashes as to how dare they just read and not say anything, and oh they did reply to that bitch’s message why not mine… (a short break is taken by the author to to bitch some on the subgroups)

And off course how can I forget the photo sharers. Camera crazy I wonder how their mobile cameras don’t call for a strike once in a while. They are compulsive sharers having to click and share everything from a mosquito bite to their last meal; and the monsoon skies and sunsets are like Viagra to their cameras!  Not far are the days when potty pics would be shared proudly. Don’t even get me started on the selfie crazed ones, (a short break is taken by the author to click ‘writing an article selfie’).  If you ought to click and share selfies the least you can do is stretch your arm sparing us from close-ups of your nose hair! If there was no silent function on these groups many of us would have been seen trying to strangle our cell phones to death.

This analysis won’t be complete without looking at the status and display pics, one shalt change them at least once in two week or one’s just plain lazy! Try keeping the same status and display pic for 3 months and you sure would get messages checking onto see if you are alive.

This is the crazy world we inhabit more than we inhabit the real world. A couple of more generations down the line, babies will be born with superpower thumbs and mute mouths- Wazzzuppp Evolution?!?!

-          BY SNEHA KARLE